A Not Really Brief History of the Duchy
t was a few years back when a young, devastatingly handsome and well-endowed seafarer first came to the attention of the King of Dessert. This man, however, is not the subject of our story.
In early 2002, the Sailor (some would say pirate) we now know as The Duke of Pudding was the topic of some discussion in the Kingdom of Dessert. This was due to his recent discovery of an intersection in the trade routes for butter and scotch. Being an olive-oil and rum man himself, he had little personal use for this discovery, but that wouldn’t really make a good story, would it? As luck would have it, the queen was just then seeking a hard candy she could keep in a dish and offer to her grandchildren – one she could be sure they wouldn’t actually want—and Butterscotch was the perfect choice. In appreciation, the king awarded the young man a land grant and the title of Duke of Pudding. The Duchy was, of course, passed from the left-hand side.
Upon receipt of his title, and with his faithful Fool riding shotgun, the Duke set off to explore his lands. Like any pirate of his skill level, he had a map with a large X on it. Unfortunately, the Duke had been an inattentive algebra student and had never learned to solve for X. The map was of no use, and the Duke resolved to appoint a Where-We’re-Atter just as soon as he could find the people he was meant to lead.
From Pirates to Puddites (2002-2006)
His spelling abilities being commensurate with his mathematical talents, the Duke spent the next four years aimlessly wandering the Fat-Free Desert. Not much is known about that time, although it is rumored that one day a “lost gospel” of the Duke will be found and will account for this period as well as answering a number of lingering questions about the formative years of the Duke (see the “Celebrities Abound” section for a potential gospel writer). What we do know is that he was occasionally sighted in area pubs attempting to impress the local wenches with his large title. While this was mostly unsuccessful and led to sadly infrequent and short-lived bouts of crazy monkey love, the Duke was able to use his time at the bar to successfully recruit an army of drunken pirates who became the first citizens of the new Duchy of Pudding.
In exchange for their fealty, the Duke promised his drinking companions all the orange Jell-o they could bathe in. As the newly-naturalized Puddites sobered up, they recalled two important facts. One, pirates don’t bathe. And, two, nobody likes orange Jell-o. It is believed that this is the first reference to the Duke’s now-renown lack of benevolence.
Having just located his rightful lands – and instructing his Writer-Downer to make a note so that he didn’t lose them again – the Duke almost immediately left to heed the call of his king and take up arms in the Great Food Fight of 2006.
A Food Fight Ensues (Mar-Aug 2006)
Any child who has doodled in the pages of a history book can tell you that the Great Food Fight of 2006 was started by a political assassination. The king’s brother was scalded by the Great Ladle, who slung split pea soup across the mighty banks of the River Cafeteria. We know now, however, that it was not the hot soup which killed him, but a shellfish-related allergic reaction to the oyster crackers. Still, the Trays of Dessert were called to war against the Nasty Other Guys and a terrible waste of food ensued.The Duke’s military skills were much in evidence during the GFF’06, when he single-handedly fought off 43 invading PopTartians. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse and he was very nearly felled by a flying fillet. Then tragedy struck – quite literally – as he saw his own brother, the Earl of Ice Cream Sandwich, mortally wounded in the Mango Melee.
An extensive investigation proved that both acts were carried out by Tapiocans, residents of a small but ancient separatist territory located near the Duchy of Pudding. This proved surprising, as the heads of neighboring areas (including the City-State of Chocolate and the Pie Protectorate) had good relations with the Tapiocans. But the incident left a bad taste in the Duke’s mouth, and he swore that Tapioca – “those damn dots” – would never again be welcome in the Duchy of Pudding.
After many long months and many difficult battles, the GFF’06 was over and the Tollhouse Treaty was signed (a disheveled photocopy of this important document may be seen hanging in the Duke’s bathroom). The Duke traveled home with his new citizens/ground troops by his side, reveling heartily along the way. The post-war party lasted, as all good parties do, until the police showed up in the wee hours. The stumbling Duke was heard to slur, “What shall we do with the drunken Puddites early in the morning?”
Making Pudding from Scratch (2006-2008)
As a result of the devastating effects of the GFF (and the fact that the Duchy didn’t have much to show for itself to begin with) an infrastructure was clearly needed, and the Puddites were set to the task of building roads. Pirating they knew, roads not so much. The highways built by those first Puddites are all quite crooked and very rarely meet up anywhere. For this lack of planning, dessert was withheld and the Duke muttered below his breath, “If the roads do not meet, you can’t eat your pudding. How can you have any pudding if you can’t make them meet?”
As their skills improved, the Puddites built a pub and an amusement park/polar bear conservancy. They considered building a castle, complete with Tapioca moat, but luckily found a pre-fab in the Sears Castlelog. The castle was ordered, tab B was inserted into slot A, and thus was built the Pudding Castle in a Cloud. The Duke took up residence, happy to finally have a place to bring wenches, and a flag bearing the Duchy motto was flown from the turrets. “Bellaria Pro Totus” it said. Dessert Before All.
Vanilla, Chocolate, Pirate (2008-2009)
As the Duke himself had been a sailor, and the first Duchy denizens all pirates, the flagship was an important part of Duchy life. The boat, which would be named Telesto as soon as they got around to it, was harbored in the Sea of Just Desserts. So much time and effort was put into sanding, painting and restoring the ship, that the crew was frequently too exhausted to actually sail. Still, her cannons were always ready to fire flaming rum balls if the Duchy were attacked by sea, and she was known throughout the kingdom as a great place for a dock party whenever the weather was good.
Connecting the Dots (June 2009)
Having believed that diplomatic talks with the Tapiocans were of no use, and having engaged in a constant and untidy guerrilla war, the Duke was surprised to be approached by a representative from the Princess of Tapioca. The diplomatic envoy brought word that the Princess sought an ambassadorship in the Duchy, and was making initial overtures of peace between the two lands. She proposed a tax on all tapioca imports, which would not only bring needed revenue into the Duchy but also allow for regulation of the dot commodities market (dot com, for short).
The Duke, in a moment of atypical broadmindedness, accepted the proposal and even redirected 10% of the newly enacted tax into the Tapiocan Renationalization and Infrastructure Plan (TRIP). While he acknowledged that he personally would need some time to come to terms with all that Tapioca represents, Pudding should be a place of happiness and good taste. The Fool to the Duke, being a lefty tree-hugger, was thrilled by all the inclusion and diversity and attempted to gather the pirates to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. She won’t be trying that again soon.
Celebrities Abound (July 2009)
Having been a devotee of Christopher Moore’s books, not to mention the author’s ability to write them, the Duke proclaimed Moore to be Author Guy Laureate to the Duchy of Pudding. Moore accepted the dubious title personally, writing that “I am honored. I accept the honor and will serve completely without effort.” He proceeded to carry out that commitment by not even bothering to join the Duchy; truly a man of his word.
The Duke also used the summer months to travel throughout the country, spreading the Pudding credo – and one-dollar bills – far and wide. Evidence of his increasing fame (some would say notoriety) became clear as he was caught by the paparazzi with a rock star, a well-known actor, and some political shmoe.
In Hindsight...
Time passed. Or, possibly, time past. Either way… the future happened and the Duke realized that the lack of a Writer Downer meant that nothing had been written down. He’s quick, our Duke. Having little idea what he had been doing for 12 years, the Duke instructed the Fool to document their collective memory. As such, the Duke is no longer undocumented and has filed for dreamer-sicle status.
A Different Island (2010-2012)
As required to earn his government salary in chocolate coins, the Duke took up residence on the Isla de Arroz con Leche, where he was immediately recognized and honored as Head Lecher. While scuba diving his days away on your tax dollars, he also financed the overhaul of the Duchy fleet. Shiny boats are happy boats.
It was there that the Duke executed a less than perfect tuck-and-roll emergency dismount of his bicycle and injured his shoulder, his pride, and his ability to play accordion in a minor key. Although exhaustive investigation ensued – meaning someone asked questions until they got tired and took a nap – Tapiocans were never entirely accused or exonerated. However, to this day, the Duke recalls, “After I hit the ground, I saw spots.”
Things Get All Changey (2014-2016)
Amid much pomp and shady circumstance, the Duke retired from the Duchy Navy. Dignitaries gathered from throughout the globe to express their well wishes, which the Duke accepted in the form of Swedish Fish, an international currency. At approximately the same time he acquired the wench Gogo. While she was certainly no Writer-Downer, she nonetheless quickly established her ability to fill many positions, sometimes simultaneously.
It didn’t take long for the Duke to grow bored with life on land. He commandeered a tiny-but-not-entirely-unwilling crew and set off in search of the best small batch ice cream in all the world. They discovered it in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, on their way to a garbage dump, and then turned around and sailed home.
Seeing the Country, One Spoonful at a Time (2017-2019)
The only thing better than pudding is more pudding, and the Duke sought to expand the Duchy lands. He commenced a campaign that would take the pirates into the frozen north. The pirates, being of a tropical nature, duly froze. When the Duke was left alone with nothing but a hovercraft and a dream, the Fool dubbed the endeavor “Half-Baked Alaska.”
Upon returning home colder but no wiser, and faced with a crew of frozen pirates, the Duke realized that he would need to find a new method of transport. He brazenly took possession of a camper van and, doing his best to replicate sea life on the road, he and Gogo departed for two years of wandering and adventure. You may have seen them locally performing as the supergroup Vanimaniacs. We hope you tipped your waitress.
Oh Yeah, That Year (2020)
This was the year that the Duchy, along with the rest of the known world, succumbed to a pie-pan demic, brought on by a virus made of dots. The Duke knew exactly who to blame (even if they weren’t actually at fault). Leaving his fleet surgeon in charge of the health of Duchy pirates -uh- “citizens” – who had thawed thanks to poorly spelled dessert exposure – he relocated the entirety of the Duchy to an enclave within the place where things happen and stay there. Some called it the city of sin but, for the time being, he simply calls it “home.” And, as we know, the best desserts are home-made.
In early 2002, the Sailor (some would say pirate) we now know as The Duke of Pudding was the topic of some discussion in the Kingdom of Dessert. This was due to his recent discovery of an intersection in the trade routes for butter and scotch. Being an olive-oil and rum man himself, he had little personal use for this discovery, but that wouldn’t really make a good story, would it? As luck would have it, the queen was just then seeking a hard candy she could keep in a dish and offer to her grandchildren – one she could be sure they wouldn’t actually want—and Butterscotch was the perfect choice. In appreciation, the king awarded the young man a land grant and the title of Duke of Pudding. The Duchy was, of course, passed from the left-hand side.
Upon receipt of his title, and with his faithful Fool riding shotgun, the Duke set off to explore his lands. Like any pirate of his skill level, he had a map with a large X on it. Unfortunately, the Duke had been an inattentive algebra student and had never learned to solve for X. The map was of no use, and the Duke resolved to appoint a Where-We’re-Atter just as soon as he could find the people he was meant to lead.
From Pirates to Puddites (2002-2006)
His spelling abilities being commensurate with his mathematical talents, the Duke spent the next four years aimlessly wandering the Fat-Free Desert. Not much is known about that time, although it is rumored that one day a “lost gospel” of the Duke will be found and will account for this period as well as answering a number of lingering questions about the formative years of the Duke (see the “Celebrities Abound” section for a potential gospel writer). What we do know is that he was occasionally sighted in area pubs attempting to impress the local wenches with his large title. While this was mostly unsuccessful and led to sadly infrequent and short-lived bouts of crazy monkey love, the Duke was able to use his time at the bar to successfully recruit an army of drunken pirates who became the first citizens of the new Duchy of Pudding.
In exchange for their fealty, the Duke promised his drinking companions all the orange Jell-o they could bathe in. As the newly-naturalized Puddites sobered up, they recalled two important facts. One, pirates don’t bathe. And, two, nobody likes orange Jell-o. It is believed that this is the first reference to the Duke’s now-renown lack of benevolence.
Having just located his rightful lands – and instructing his Writer-Downer to make a note so that he didn’t lose them again – the Duke almost immediately left to heed the call of his king and take up arms in the Great Food Fight of 2006.
A Food Fight Ensues (Mar-Aug 2006)
Any child who has doodled in the pages of a history book can tell you that the Great Food Fight of 2006 was started by a political assassination. The king’s brother was scalded by the Great Ladle, who slung split pea soup across the mighty banks of the River Cafeteria. We know now, however, that it was not the hot soup which killed him, but a shellfish-related allergic reaction to the oyster crackers. Still, the Trays of Dessert were called to war against the Nasty Other Guys and a terrible waste of food ensued.The Duke’s military skills were much in evidence during the GFF’06, when he single-handedly fought off 43 invading PopTartians. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse and he was very nearly felled by a flying fillet. Then tragedy struck – quite literally – as he saw his own brother, the Earl of Ice Cream Sandwich, mortally wounded in the Mango Melee.
An extensive investigation proved that both acts were carried out by Tapiocans, residents of a small but ancient separatist territory located near the Duchy of Pudding. This proved surprising, as the heads of neighboring areas (including the City-State of Chocolate and the Pie Protectorate) had good relations with the Tapiocans. But the incident left a bad taste in the Duke’s mouth, and he swore that Tapioca – “those damn dots” – would never again be welcome in the Duchy of Pudding.
After many long months and many difficult battles, the GFF’06 was over and the Tollhouse Treaty was signed (a disheveled photocopy of this important document may be seen hanging in the Duke’s bathroom). The Duke traveled home with his new citizens/ground troops by his side, reveling heartily along the way. The post-war party lasted, as all good parties do, until the police showed up in the wee hours. The stumbling Duke was heard to slur, “What shall we do with the drunken Puddites early in the morning?”
Making Pudding from Scratch (2006-2008)
As a result of the devastating effects of the GFF (and the fact that the Duchy didn’t have much to show for itself to begin with) an infrastructure was clearly needed, and the Puddites were set to the task of building roads. Pirating they knew, roads not so much. The highways built by those first Puddites are all quite crooked and very rarely meet up anywhere. For this lack of planning, dessert was withheld and the Duke muttered below his breath, “If the roads do not meet, you can’t eat your pudding. How can you have any pudding if you can’t make them meet?”
As their skills improved, the Puddites built a pub and an amusement park/polar bear conservancy. They considered building a castle, complete with Tapioca moat, but luckily found a pre-fab in the Sears Castlelog. The castle was ordered, tab B was inserted into slot A, and thus was built the Pudding Castle in a Cloud. The Duke took up residence, happy to finally have a place to bring wenches, and a flag bearing the Duchy motto was flown from the turrets. “Bellaria Pro Totus” it said. Dessert Before All.
Vanilla, Chocolate, Pirate (2008-2009)
As the Duke himself had been a sailor, and the first Duchy denizens all pirates, the flagship was an important part of Duchy life. The boat, which would be named Telesto as soon as they got around to it, was harbored in the Sea of Just Desserts. So much time and effort was put into sanding, painting and restoring the ship, that the crew was frequently too exhausted to actually sail. Still, her cannons were always ready to fire flaming rum balls if the Duchy were attacked by sea, and she was known throughout the kingdom as a great place for a dock party whenever the weather was good.
Connecting the Dots (June 2009)
Having believed that diplomatic talks with the Tapiocans were of no use, and having engaged in a constant and untidy guerrilla war, the Duke was surprised to be approached by a representative from the Princess of Tapioca. The diplomatic envoy brought word that the Princess sought an ambassadorship in the Duchy, and was making initial overtures of peace between the two lands. She proposed a tax on all tapioca imports, which would not only bring needed revenue into the Duchy but also allow for regulation of the dot commodities market (dot com, for short).
The Duke, in a moment of atypical broadmindedness, accepted the proposal and even redirected 10% of the newly enacted tax into the Tapiocan Renationalization and Infrastructure Plan (TRIP). While he acknowledged that he personally would need some time to come to terms with all that Tapioca represents, Pudding should be a place of happiness and good taste. The Fool to the Duke, being a lefty tree-hugger, was thrilled by all the inclusion and diversity and attempted to gather the pirates to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. She won’t be trying that again soon.
Celebrities Abound (July 2009)
Having been a devotee of Christopher Moore’s books, not to mention the author’s ability to write them, the Duke proclaimed Moore to be Author Guy Laureate to the Duchy of Pudding. Moore accepted the dubious title personally, writing that “I am honored. I accept the honor and will serve completely without effort.” He proceeded to carry out that commitment by not even bothering to join the Duchy; truly a man of his word.
The Duke also used the summer months to travel throughout the country, spreading the Pudding credo – and one-dollar bills – far and wide. Evidence of his increasing fame (some would say notoriety) became clear as he was caught by the paparazzi with a rock star, a well-known actor, and some political shmoe.
In Hindsight...
Time passed. Or, possibly, time past. Either way… the future happened and the Duke realized that the lack of a Writer Downer meant that nothing had been written down. He’s quick, our Duke. Having little idea what he had been doing for 12 years, the Duke instructed the Fool to document their collective memory. As such, the Duke is no longer undocumented and has filed for dreamer-sicle status.
A Different Island (2010-2012)
As required to earn his government salary in chocolate coins, the Duke took up residence on the Isla de Arroz con Leche, where he was immediately recognized and honored as Head Lecher. While scuba diving his days away on your tax dollars, he also financed the overhaul of the Duchy fleet. Shiny boats are happy boats.
It was there that the Duke executed a less than perfect tuck-and-roll emergency dismount of his bicycle and injured his shoulder, his pride, and his ability to play accordion in a minor key. Although exhaustive investigation ensued – meaning someone asked questions until they got tired and took a nap – Tapiocans were never entirely accused or exonerated. However, to this day, the Duke recalls, “After I hit the ground, I saw spots.”
Things Get All Changey (2014-2016)
Amid much pomp and shady circumstance, the Duke retired from the Duchy Navy. Dignitaries gathered from throughout the globe to express their well wishes, which the Duke accepted in the form of Swedish Fish, an international currency. At approximately the same time he acquired the wench Gogo. While she was certainly no Writer-Downer, she nonetheless quickly established her ability to fill many positions, sometimes simultaneously.
It didn’t take long for the Duke to grow bored with life on land. He commandeered a tiny-but-not-entirely-unwilling crew and set off in search of the best small batch ice cream in all the world. They discovered it in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, on their way to a garbage dump, and then turned around and sailed home.
Seeing the Country, One Spoonful at a Time (2017-2019)
The only thing better than pudding is more pudding, and the Duke sought to expand the Duchy lands. He commenced a campaign that would take the pirates into the frozen north. The pirates, being of a tropical nature, duly froze. When the Duke was left alone with nothing but a hovercraft and a dream, the Fool dubbed the endeavor “Half-Baked Alaska.”
Upon returning home colder but no wiser, and faced with a crew of frozen pirates, the Duke realized that he would need to find a new method of transport. He brazenly took possession of a camper van and, doing his best to replicate sea life on the road, he and Gogo departed for two years of wandering and adventure. You may have seen them locally performing as the supergroup Vanimaniacs. We hope you tipped your waitress.
Oh Yeah, That Year (2020)
This was the year that the Duchy, along with the rest of the known world, succumbed to a pie-pan demic, brought on by a virus made of dots. The Duke knew exactly who to blame (even if they weren’t actually at fault). Leaving his fleet surgeon in charge of the health of Duchy pirates -uh- “citizens” – who had thawed thanks to poorly spelled dessert exposure – he relocated the entirety of the Duchy to an enclave within the place where things happen and stay there. Some called it the city of sin but, for the time being, he simply calls it “home.” And, as we know, the best desserts are home-made.